Psychology: High Maintence People

This is a personality force that can come in all demographics. "Whether or not this person in your life is a mate or sibling, here are 13 assumptions that can be made about the high maintenance personality."

 13 Traits of High Maintenance People & How to Deal with Them 
compiled list written by Ayanna Guyhto, copied from off-site

 #1 -They often have lots of urgent "needs." At least to them, they are urgent. You may find that the high maintenance person appears to possess a sense of urgency regarding even the smallest things. And these needs are seemingly endless.

 #2 - They have a sense of entitlement. Everyone in the world deserves happiness and to be treated with respect. But the high maintenance individual will usually accept no less than the best treatment at all times, even if said treatment seems excessive to others.

 #3 - They're self-sufficient, but often avoid being so. It could be as simple as reaching a nearby object or looking up movie times. In short, you will find that many of these people can do things for themselves, but feel that it's just "easier" to have assistance-or have someone perform the task for them

 #4 - They have some sort of personal injustice (or trauma) in their background. You may never actually be privy to a loved one's personal history. But if you happen to dig beneath the surface, you may discover some sort of negative encounter (usually experienced early in life) that contributes to that sense of "entitlement." (They make you pay and pay for what other people have done to them.)

#5 - They talk a lot and are frequently inquisitive. It is often said that knowledge is power. The high maintenance person thrives on power. Not necessarily power in the oppressive sense. But a solid sense of control in many situations is typically par for the course. The more information they can extract from those around them, the better they feel.

 #6 - They are seldom satisfied. There is a chance that the last time you dined out with a high maintenance person, he/she was uncomfortable with the seating, hated the entrĂ©e, requested additional ingredients, or had a zillion inquiries about everything on the menu. There is also a chance that said person was still unhappy with the very specifically prepared meal received. Even when given exactly what they've asked for, uncannily they can find something wrong with it, or need some sort of "adjustment" in order to gratify their immediate whims.

 #7 - They are high-strung. Let the record show that all high strung people are not necessarily high maintenance. But the person with excessive needs will usually be quite vocal about them.

 #8 - They have multiple mini-dramas. If you are around a high maintenance person for an extended period of time, you may discover that this person has several meltdown moments during the day. This is because every small inconvenience or mistake becomes a crisis. In fact, you might find that they over-emote, making issues out of things that others find to be "not that big a deal." Ironically, these people are usually at the root of their own temporary misfortune-as they are continually trying to keep up with their own demands.

 #9 - They may not be great at handling money. It's not too much of a surprise that high maintenance people are often not great at handling money. You wouldn't be either if you always wanted (or felt you needed) more of everything in order to be satisfied.

 #10 - They place a great deal of importance on social/monetary status. This characteristic is probably related to the perceived sense of entitlement. As they believe they should have certain things, they are mainly interested in those who can keep up-or exceed their expectations.

 #11 - They are obsessed with details-theirs and yours. An obsession with things is another red flag that accompanies this personality type. The details of these things are usually of interest to high maintenance people. Many of them love luxury and are quite content to compare their possessions to those of their peers. This sort of ties into the perpetual "grass is greener" mentality that accompanies this mode of thinking.

 #12 - They often seem "unsettled." It isn't uncommon to discover this kind of demeanor in high maintenance people-even if they've happened to live in a place for several years. Take a closer look, and you might find that the high maintenance person is constantly buying things for, altering, or complaining about their present living conditions.

 #13 - They are sometimes quite critical of others (even if not outwardly so.) They tend to hold others to certain standards. Whether or not those specific standards are reasonable is subjective. It is merely difficult for our fussy loved ones to see the bigger picture. Instead, they tend to hold fast to their personal opinions, and are reluctant to let go of them.

 How to deal... 

 Re-read this list, and you might be under the assumption that high maintenance people are the vilest, most evil creatures on the planet. This simply isn't so. The manner in which people respond to certain stimuli will always differ. In many instances, these loved ones are simply dealing with life per the experiences that have colored their thinking.

Nonetheless people often find relationships with their high maintenance peers to be quite exhausting. Some even refer to them as "energy vampires"-because it usually takes a great deal of energy to keep up with their constant demands. The demands are usually not very large. But there is often a stream of them, coming very quickly-in small doses-so that you feel worn out from having to address them all individually. But because we must all live in this world as peacefully as we can, here are some things you can do to minimize any friction.

 Give them the tools to help themselves. The age-old adage of teaching a man to fish applies here. You may even be surprised that these people can do more for themselves than they're letting on. They simply feel compelled to have others' involvement.

 ⤷ BoldRadish commentary: Do not play psychiatrist with the people in your life. "You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends but you can't pick your friend's nose." They have to first want help and many of these people are in denial, insecure or too arrogant (or all three) to admit something is wrong in their lives even though they are completely miserable and make everyone around them completely miserable, which in turn fuels their own misery. If you pray for them, God may inspire humility and thus a want for help in his or her soul; and even then, do not play the psychiatrist.

 ⤷ What we have had to do with these people is generally ignore what they say and do as far as the offensive things and just try to be kind to them and recognize that they love us and not fight, argue, or try to teach them (as they often refuse to be taught; let God do this). This can be taxing, very tiring. I have had to write a reminder to myself to act this way around these people and think this way around them and read it very carefully each time before I enter the presence of one of these types of people so that I can remember what I'm supposed to do and not get offended or take their complaints too seriously.

 ⤷ This might seem like too great an amount of work to expend on a family member or something, but I do it for the love of God, because He wants us to care for the smallest people (if we love those who love us, what value is that? Even the pagans do that, God teaches us; we must be a people set apart), and because how you treat someone you dislike shows how much you love God. If I were that messed up, I would need people to be patient with me. I don't let anyone hurt me and limit contact with these people, but I don't try to treat these people like they are regular people, either, because they are sort of nuts and can't be treated that way. I definitely always try to keep things encouraging and upbeat and agree with them and not stress them out, while protecting myself from them. It can go a long way in helping them grow up.

Censor yourself. You should certainly feel free to share your world with high maintenance people. For the most part, you will find that their intentions are good. They simply can't help themselves. Nonetheless, if you wish to maintain your own sanity, you may find that guarding certain personal information is the way to go. This often prevents misunderstandings, flair-ups, meddling, and other snafus that can pop up. It's not so much about keeping secrets. It's about re-structuring the way you communicate with certain people.

Set strong boundaries. Give an inch and they'll take a mile. Remember that they feel entitled to a certain type of treatment. And if you continue to indulge every whim, you will probably find yourself exhausted. To the sibling who is full of favor requests, be certain to mention up front what you're able (or willing) to do. And stick with it. The more you enforce your boundaries, the more high maintenance people will understand that they can't (or shouldn't) always have their way. (At least not with you.)


 Personal Experience and Spiritually Dealing and Handling These People 

First of all, I suggest getting support, social support, not going through handling a person like this alone. I suggest the Out of the FOG forum, which include a lot of information and many people who have a lot of experiences and are extremely supportive. This will help you gauge what is normal or not. (People respect Out of the FOG forum policies, including the policy of anonymity in your screen names and posts.)

 This person probably has a lot of shallow emotions and manipulative tactics, as well as being arrogant and self-centered (even if they are most likely very unhappy). Out of the FOG website talks about a lot of different topics that covers this person's tactics, from lying, histrionics, and "fear, obligation and guilt."

Secondly, if this person is in your life in a permanent way (such as a family member or spouse or co-worker or, heaven forbid, your boss), I suggest praying for them daily and requesting prayers for them from religious or prayer groups. Almost all convents freely hear prayer requests and will offer their prayers daily for names you submit to them.

 It is important that you yourself also pray daily for this person. This shows God that you understand that this person is sinning and you accept your situation as His Will and will choose to love and forgive even those who persecute you. And if we do not forgive those who wrong us, then our Heavenly Father will not forgive us the wrongs we have committed. You should also request special protection from this person's destructive habits. (*Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Reconciliation depends on the other person changing and becoming less destructive, or attempting to become less destructive, so that you can be around them. Forgiveness is an act you make by yourself and doesn't require any cooperation or even knowledge of forgiveness from the other person.)

It doesn't have to be a long or intense prayer. If this person has hurt you a lot and causes you a lot of pain and you can't think about them, then rely on prayer groups and try not to think about them for a while.

Oftentimes "addressing" the issue with the person isn't necessarily safe. Praying for a person (without their knowledge) is both always safe and always effective, because God hears the prayers of the poor and He came that we might have life and have it in full. (See the "do not play the psychiatrist" warning above in the "How to Deal" section.)

This person is a good opportunity to practice The Little Way of Saint Therese, to practice forgiveness and unconditional love, to practice maintaining your peace, to pray for your enemies, to practice AVOIDING gossiping about this person, to practice turning the other cheek, to practice handing over your pain and frustration to God, for God to grow your soul, and to trust in God to protect you from this person and heal you from this person (and even trust Him to remove this person from your life if He decides that is best for your soul).

 The peace of Christ be with you in all your dealings.

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